More fighting and confusion in the months to come led me to break things off with T.S. in July 2015, 5 months before our trip to Israel. Prior to this, he started seeing my biblical counselor where he was determined to “figure me out”, but little did he know, our counselor would greatly help him to figure himself out, other people, and have his own extraordinary growth. Because we cared for each other we wanted to stay friends, my reasoning was just that, but he had other motives. Our departure date of December 26, 2015 had finally made its appearance and it seemed as though I was destined to go to Israel. One of my absolute best friends, Lo, came along who was also questioning God and truth. There were roughly 40 people from Compass Church that went on the trip. Israel was both unbelievable and tough. It was unbelievable because if this man, Jesus, was real, I was walking in the same land he had been where he proclaimed the many realities and truth of what this life is. It was tough because T.S. and I also saw our relationship very differently during this time. There were some nights that were uncomfortable and extremely hard for both of us. One day, we went to the Jordan River where Jesus was baptized. Since in my heart, I knew I didn’t truly believe yet, I declined getting baptized. T.S. knew what he believed and did so. He genuinely looked like a disciple when he came up from the water and it was a breathtaking sight.
During the Israel trip we came to the praetorium where Jesus was said to be scourged before his crucifixion. I felt the desire to kneel and pray that God show me the truth and that He let me find Him. As I was kneeling, a very sweet woman I got to know a little better, Shelley, later told me she felt God tell her to pray for me and so she stood next to me and touched my shoulder to pray.
Upon our flight home, I sat between T.S. and Lo. I picked up my Bible and randomly opened it. T.S. asked me why I chose that book to read. I told him I just opened it, and this was the page that I came to. After returning home, it took me a few months to process this trip. It was deep and a lot to take in for me spiritually. A couple of months later, T.S. asked me to go to church with him on February 28, 2016. Because we were still “friends” I said yes. I still liked him and with all my mixed feelings, I was co-dependent and not sure what God wanted for me and my romantic life. I invited Lo and my cousin Jasmine to service. As we were worshipping to a beautiful song, the pastor, Drew, came down to the front after saying that anyone who was ready to be baptized could be right now. T.S. had invited his parents to this service also. I imagine they were just as confused about our relationship as we were. When I worship, I typically bow my head and pray for my heart to be opened. When I looked up, I looked directly at Drew and I swear his eyes looked like Jesus’ eyes if I were to ever see them. They seemed to be reading into my being. My soul moved and a warm tingle shot across the left side of my chest. I have only felt this three times in my life, each time when I have been seeking or fasting and praying. Without hesitation, I started leaving the aisle. T.S. grabbed my arm and asked if he could come. I said yes, and without looking back I made my way to the baptismal pool. After all of my searching, books read, videos watched, countless conversations, and deep praying, I knew this man, Jesus Christ, really was the way, the truth and the life. I professed that day my belief in Jesus Christ because Jesus states himself, “Believe and be baptized” (Mark 16:16). Of course, T.S. had to be next to me because he aided me in getting to this exact moment. When one understands the gravity of baptism, it can be overwhelming and incredibly freeing! I felt both.
Soon after this experience and my resolution on truth, my next thought was on dating. I was deeply missing a boy I had deep feelings for who I had always wanted to date, feelings that I didn’t feel for T.S., primarily the deep chemistry. (I know, I know! T.S. just helped me find Jesus Christ and the truth, and I was looking for another man to be with). The saying “The heart wants what the heart wants” can be so wrong for so many reasons, primarily because of how self-interested the heart is, but I only learned this later. This boy and I had been texting a bit and he invited me to visit him in Kansas. While waiting to see what would happen with Kansas boy, I was also on a dating app with pure motives. I say “pure” because I wanted to “date” without the physical aspect and I wanted to respect God. A few weeks later, T.S. found out that I had gone on a date with another guy from a dating app and then he officially stopped pursuing me.
I am a big faster and prayer, when the Bible says, “you will seek me and find me when you seek with your whole heart” (Jeremiah 29:13), I wholeheartedly believe this. The first time I heard the Holy Spirit I had been fasting and praying and this was also the first time I felt the tingle in the left part of my chest.
Because I was obsessed with this boy from Kansas and believed he was my token to “happiness” and a lifetime of “love” together, I decided to fast and pray 10 days prior to visiting him, wanting clarity from God (who I now trusted) if I should pursue this or if he would show me I needed to let this pursuit go.
My closest friends and family know that I call T.S. by his middle name, Steele. I was hoping it would catch on, but it has not, now it’s T.S. Weaver. The reason this matters is because the day I was leaving for this trip to see Kansas boy, I was driving to the airport and saw the name of a company to my left called, “Steele Law”. I had driven past this road a hundred times and never saw this. When I arrived in Kansas and met this boy for the weekend, we drove around and twice during the trip, I saw the word, “Steele”. Once it was “Steele Drive” and the other graffiti on an overpass, simply, “Steele”. Is this a joke? I remember at the end of this trip, Kansas boy stated that I idolized him more than God and that I have to stop comparing him to other guys because it wasn’t fair to anyone. You know what? He was right and I knew why I came because I got my answer from God and from Kansas boy stating the truth and I knew I had to hear it from him for me to move on. When I got into the airport that day, I knew I was not supposed to be with him. After one other communication with him after the trip, I have never talked to him since.
During this time of grief for me in believing Kansas boy was my key to happiness, I wept to God about it. I remember asking God, “Why couldn’t you just let me get a chance with him?” I was really weeping and crying out. My mind was blank as I wept and then the words, “I’m saving you” came to my head. While this came through noticeably clear, it was still tough for me to let go of.
My grieving began. On August 24, 2016, I hadn’t spoken to T.S. for almost 6 months to the day. Lo wanted to get drinks that evening at Flips in Grapevine, so I joined her. Jasmine came also. I go to Flips maybe once every two years. We sat, got drinks and I looked up and a direct beeline, I see T.S. Weaver. I am shocked and not sure what to do. I eventually decide to say “hi” to him, not sure how this will go. When I get to him, I see he is with his friend, Jacob, and I can tell T.S. has been crying. Eventually, he tells me he saw our biblical counselor earlier that day and he received my letter that said that I didn’t feel led to be with him. What a coincidence. This day was also his first day at Dallas Theological Seminary. We talked for a bit and around 11pm everyone had left, and he asked if he could take me home. I said I didn’t know if it was a good idea. I was staying at my aunt’s house that night which is right by Parr Park in Grapevine. T.S. missed the turn to her house and we end up at the park. Prior to us getting out of the car, he had asked if I thought this was a sign that we were supposed to be together? I said, “If this were a sign I would need a red carpet.” As I was getting out of the car I laughed to myself and prayed saying, “Ok God, if I am supposed to marry T.S., show me a shooting star.” Within 45 seconds of walking in the middle of the football field I see a massive shooting star coming from right to left. My mouth flung open, I keeled over and started talking aloud to God. “No, no, no, I can’t do this! Are you crazy?” T.S. is asking me what is going on and I of course am not about to tell him.
I didn’t talk to T.S. for about a month after that, being terrified of what God wanted. I genuinely believe the star was from God. He used a star to navigate men to baby Jesus in a manger, so there is biblical reference to such uses. I also have a healthy “fear” of God and rightfully so as I certainly do not know what is best! We then started dating exclusively and seriously (T.S. Weaver serious) in October 2016.
I would still fast and pray to God about T.S. and me, and if God could help me “feel” more for T.S. and change my heart to align with His will, which I believe is to marry T.S. and do God’s works. I feel God has big plans for us specifically in ministry. In the span of the last four years of being together with T.S., I have grown to love his wittiness, the way he processes information, how creative he really is, his quirkiness and the gentleness of his spirit. He is unique and I love how much he has taught me. In the span of the last four years, I also had three distinctive dreams about T.S. and us together in the times that I prayed which are as follows:
- T.S. and I fought (unfortunately) one night after my birthday, I went to sleep a little drunk (unfortunately) and dreamt that I met a bald man who was kind and who came to me and asked specifically, “Do you choose Steele?” (meaning it is time for you to decide: will he be your husband?) I said no. Everything became dark as did the man whose eyes and face were evil. He was taking me down in an elevator. I remember seeing the dirt behind the caged walls of the elevator. I was terrified and begged him for mercy, but the sense was that I made my decision and there was no going back. We were going down into the earth and when he opened the gates, I saw a man and a woman naked, both asking me to be promiscuous with them and I knew there was no way I would ever leave. I was terrified and I woke up.
- I was taking a nap once while I was sun bathing at my apartment complex in Grapevine, TX and dreamt of another man who walked up to me and said directly to me, “Taylor Steele Weaver will have a profound role with the tree of life.” Later that night, T.S. told me after we had not spoken all day that he read about the tree of life in Genesis that day.
- T.S. and I were holding hands and three priests surrounded us, the head priest wanting to give T.S. his stole (shawl) because he saw the purity in T.S. and thought he should be a priest and one of them. But T.S., who was standing on a step higher step than them, put his hand out and denied the stole, because the truth is that everyone can be Holy and righteous not just priests. And the truth is that priests are not held at a higher level than any man, woman, or child who truly believes in God. In the dream everyone knew that T.S. was right.
All of these dreams affected me greatly and I felt they were from God as warnings or guidance. The Bible also has many references of dreams being used from God. I do not believe every dream is from God but I think one can sense if that is the case. There were many other odd things that happened with T.S. and I during this time of considering marriage. For example, getting lost while driving around in the dark and ending up at a wedding dress boutique. There was more fasting and praying, taking a break from each other and going to a wedding after 21 days to see a surprise fireworks show. One time we were riding bikes around White Rock Lake and stopped to walk down a deck and saw a rainbow over us. After all of this time, and all of the counseling and interviewing others and reading about what love is, I have found this unshakable truth: Real love is to sacrifice for another human being, loving them more than your own selfish needs, and loving them when you aren’t getting your feelings met. Love is not a feeling. And I am so glad that it is not. How depressing that love could boil down to something so minuscule. This love can be with anyone because it is a choice you make. I wholeheartedly believe in pettitiong God before making this choice as He knows what is truly good for you and you do not. I finally told T.S. I loved him in April 2019, and I mean it. I would sacrifice my life for his. He has taught me and made me realize love in such a different way than I ever imagined, a love that is God’s love and not humans’. I know T.S. and I are meant to be in ministry, and I know God will use us both for his Glory and I am excited to participate.